Light a Spark Under Your Ass

Today, I woke up and thought to myself, "Self, you haven't been on a scale since two weeks after the man died. You lost a lot of weight those two weeks because you weren't eating. Now you are. I bet it's all come back".

Sure enough, I braved the scale, and I was right. I didn't expect to keep off all the "Depressive anorexia" weight, but still, I am right back where I began 3 months ago because of the cycles of my emotional eating. I haven't been nearly as bad in recent weeks as I've wanted to be, though I have my moments.

This morning I was just fed up though. I'm fed up with dreading the scale. I'm fed up with hating the way I look when I get dressed. I'm fed up with my pants not fitting any more because I WASHED them. I'm fed up with being out of breath by the time I reach the top of the two flights of stairs at the train station. I'm fed up with being self conscious when I take my son to the beach in the summer. I'm fed up with everything hurting because I'm making my body carry more than it is meant to. I'm fed up with being fed up, and I'm angry at myself for gaining back about half of the 100 pounds I lost a few years ago.

Now, I have long been a believer that sitting around whining about something if you're not going to do something about it is a waste of energy and is simply obnoxious. I do have it in me to do something about this and I've done it before. This time, I want to do something about it and just keep doing it without turning my back on everything I know just because less healthy foods "taste better", or are "more convenient", or are "less expensive".

I can find as many excuses as I try to find or I can make it work for me. One of the lessons my Daddy taught me was that anything really worth it is going to take some hard work and dedication. I've applied that to school, so now I am going to apply it to my physical wellbeing.

To that end, I found a bunch of folks raving about Sparkpeople.com and thought I would check it out. It seems pretty comprehensive and very cool. I am going to give it a shot and hope it helps me track all the things I need to track. Let's see if Sparkpeople can start the fire I need under my ass.