In the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to see some amazing things in myself. I had no idea how much I have grown and changed in the past few years. I am emotionally intelligent, strong, independent, a good friend, a good mom, and a seriously amazing woman.
Despite having been through a lifetime of shit being piled on top of me, I have reclaimed it all and come out shining like a ray of sun. I spend a lot of time examining the negative and finding the positive that has come from them. Even though some sadness, lacking, or pain may linger from the things that I've been through, I make a conscious effort to honor that while focusing on the gratitude I have for the beautiful parts of me that came from that negativity.
In my relationships, I have come to a place where I determine priorities. I determine what I actually need. I determine what I can and cannot accept, and pain be damned, I stick to that. It's much like what F. taught me about being with him... no matter how much I love you, if this is not good for one of us, I will break both of our hearts to save us both. I respect that. I've seen too many people hurt themselves and each other in some sort of effort to save each other.
I have come to a position of strength where even though I don't think everything about me is perfect and wonderful, I *do* know that I am worth something. In fact, I have a whole lot of value. I make sure other people understand that value, and I am finally starting to treat myself in every way as though I completely and fully understand that value.
It has been amazing to me to discover over the past couple of weeks just how far I've come and just how strong and powerful I really am. I'll never be perfect. I'll always have some insecurities, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses, but even Superman had kryptonite. I have this intense sense of pride about the work I have put into myself and a sense of gratitude for the time and work others have put into me.
Whether they know it or not, whether it was positive then or not, all the people that have been a part of my life have helped shape it. Thank you - even if I hated you for what you did to me (even if I still do a little) - thank you. I am a powerful and beautiful woman and I treat myself as if I know that I am a force to be reckoned with because I *am*, and I owe some part of that process and that knowledge to all of you.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tracking changes
It has been nearly two full weeks since I began the regimen set out by my doctor. I am feeling great about the changes in my eating so far. I have been trying to monitor side effects of the medication, however, and that has proven a little difficult.
Some of the most common side effects of the drug she has me on are headaches, dizziness, trouble sleeping... things that I already experience on some level. So, my headaches don't seem any more frequent and/or more painful than before the medication. My dizziness may be happening a little more often, but that is super hard to judge since with the vertigo, I go through stages of this anyway. I've had sleep interruptions for a long time now, so even that is hard to know if it is potentially drug related or not. Generally speaking, none of these symptoms seem to have gotten measureably worse than before I started this medication, but I am paying more attention to them now.
The one change I have noticed and need to keep close tabs on is that while I am eating and drinking less, I am smoking more. I was not really a heavy smoker in the first place. On my *worst* days, I would smoke 5-6 cigarettes in a day. Honestly, I am still not exceeding that, but I am smoking that many on most days now instead of just once in a while.
Considering that one of my other goals is to give up smoking before my 30th, I need to keep a very close eye on this. I don't want to move from one unhealthy habit to a potentially more unhealthy one. It has taken me until yesterday to really pinpoint this change, but I'm glad I caught it now rather than waiting for it to continue or worsen.
Anyway, I go back to the doctor tomorrow for my first follow up and I'm actually looking forward to it. I will get all of my bloodwork results, monitor my progress so far, and potentially make changes to custom tailor my plan to my own needs based on what the tests show. It is nice to still be excited about this 2 weeks later. More often than not, I give up on myself before I hit this point, but not this time!
Some of the most common side effects of the drug she has me on are headaches, dizziness, trouble sleeping... things that I already experience on some level. So, my headaches don't seem any more frequent and/or more painful than before the medication. My dizziness may be happening a little more often, but that is super hard to judge since with the vertigo, I go through stages of this anyway. I've had sleep interruptions for a long time now, so even that is hard to know if it is potentially drug related or not. Generally speaking, none of these symptoms seem to have gotten measureably worse than before I started this medication, but I am paying more attention to them now.
The one change I have noticed and need to keep close tabs on is that while I am eating and drinking less, I am smoking more. I was not really a heavy smoker in the first place. On my *worst* days, I would smoke 5-6 cigarettes in a day. Honestly, I am still not exceeding that, but I am smoking that many on most days now instead of just once in a while.
Considering that one of my other goals is to give up smoking before my 30th, I need to keep a very close eye on this. I don't want to move from one unhealthy habit to a potentially more unhealthy one. It has taken me until yesterday to really pinpoint this change, but I'm glad I caught it now rather than waiting for it to continue or worsen.
Anyway, I go back to the doctor tomorrow for my first follow up and I'm actually looking forward to it. I will get all of my bloodwork results, monitor my progress so far, and potentially make changes to custom tailor my plan to my own needs based on what the tests show. It is nice to still be excited about this 2 weeks later. More often than not, I give up on myself before I hit this point, but not this time!
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