Day 5 Gluten Free: The cravings begin

I am feeling much better, it's true. Aside from the pulled muscle that I created myself by lifting something too heavy, I am having no random aches and pains throughout my entire body. My energy levels are still great despite how busy I've been. I am ingesting less caffeine and still able to stay awake and going for longer.

The food I've been eating has been delicious. I'm eating plenty of whole, naturally gluten free foods and mixing them in with certain convenience foods. My favorite so far is brown rice tortillas that I can use to make myself wraps. No more worrying about the lack of bread for sandwiches! A word of caution, however: heat these before using them.

I found that I get the best results when I cut the tortilla in half, stuff it, and the heat it like a quesadilla or panini. If I cut that in half again, separating the halves with a paper towel and then put it into a ziplock bag, the heat traps some moisture in the bag and the tortilla stays soft and edible until I'm ready to eat it (I make these in the morning and take them for lunch).

Up until last night, my cravings for wheat products were fairly well in check. Last night though, I found I wanted lasagna and cookies. Of course, this was a stress response, because when it is stressed, my body simply wants carbs, fat, and sugar.

I took the high road, however, and still had delicious dessert. I took some non-fat vanilla yogurt and sliced a banana into it. After freezing the entire mixture for about an hour, I put it into a blender with some peach preserves and whipped the whole thing together before putting it back in the freezer. After one more hour, I had a decent soft-serve banana peach ice cream that was well worth the wait.

So far this morning, I am still free from symptoms of illness. I didn't sleep well because of my son's inability to sleep. The lack of sleep is making me noticeably cranky and more easily stressed, but I'm going to fight back with some fun in the kitchen again.

Tonight, I'm making chicken coconut curry with some sauteed veggies on the side. I am looking forward to the smell of ginger, curry, garam masala, and coconut filling my apartment!

Day 4 Gluten Free: Going strong and feeling better

Aside from a slight muscle pull in my shoulder yesterday, I felt great! Waking up with the headache from hell though made me aware enough of my food related symptoms that I actually turned down a free brownie in the afternoon. That says a lot, right there - I do not turn down brownies. The moment I looked at it, my salivary glands kicked in and my brain said "yes, please!" I slowed down though and realized that I didn't want the headache, stomach ache, and exhaustion that was sure to follow, so I passed.

I made a very quick, really delicious dinner last night when I got home: sweet potato soup, garlic chicken sausages, quinoa with roasted veggies, and some sliced avocado. It was a spectacular gluten free meal that I modified slightly for my son, but even he tried bites of everything before being allowed to declare he didn't like it.

I have been very pleased by the relative ease of this change. There are some parts that are harder than others, but with a little creativity I've been able to satisfy all of my wheat cravings so far. I've been able to indulge in pancakes and pasta and have plans for gluten free pizza some time soon. Most of my food intake is coming from naturally gluten free sources rather than specialty foods, but I find I really enjoy some of the specialty things (making a gluten free birthday cake for my son, for example).

The results are striking so far - less digestive struggle, no headaches (except the day I inadvertently ate wheat), my "chronic fatigue" is rapidly fading, my muscles and joints don't ache when I walk up the stairs, and my sinuses don't feel congested every morning. I like where this is going. It is great incentive to be careful about what I put into my body. If I feel this much better when I don't eat wheat, I certainly believe I can live without it!

Day 3 Gluten Free - Well, almost! Wheat and my Headaches

I went home yesterday to a sick partner with a sinus infection. While I am spoiled enough that he usually cooks for me, last night, I made dinner. I cooked a beautiful quinoa/corn spaghetti with red sauce and "meat"balls. I tossed in some spiralized zucchini to bulk it up and add some extra nutrients.

After dinner, I was craving dessert so I made us both a truly decadent treat. Pumpkin and sweet potato cheesecake (sans crust). This turned out more like a mousse or a pudding since it was made without so many of the ingredients that really stiffen up a cheesecake, but it tasted like pumpkin cheesecake and that's all I needed!

I had plenty of energy through the night and even stayed up a little past my bedtime. I felt great! And then... I woke up with a raging headache this morning. I immediately thought "well, I guess there isn't a direct link between wheat and my sick symptoms", but I started detailing everything I ate yesterday just to be sure.

The only thing that I had doubts about was the Gimme Lean® Sausage, so I pulled it up online and checked the ingredient listing. Sure enough, there are no less than THREE sources of wheat in the product, one of which is straight up wheat gluten. Argh! No wonder my head was throbbing this morning!

Unfortunately, when I look back at the night, it wasn't just this morning's headache that clued me in, but was the excessive gas that was causing me discomfort and also smelling up the whole house last night. I was so confused by this as it had been dwindling and I didn't know what I had eaten to cause it. Duh!

This goes one step further toward demonstrating that I am actually wheat sensitive, but I have a long way to go before I'm sure. I have learned a valuable lesson today though - even if you think something is gluten free, always read the labels BEFORE eating it.

Day 2 Gluten Free: Where is my Headache?

Yesterday was my second full day of gluten free eating and so far it hasn't been too painful. In fact, if I ignore the fact that I want to eat a waffle topped with some french toast and sausage and sandwiched between a bagel, it has been less painful.

For the first time in weeks, I woke up this morning without a headache. I was a little tired and groggy when I first awoke, but once I got moving, I was surprisingly awake. I had only half a cup of coffee this morning before switching over to water. I woke up in time to make myself a full breakfast. I even managed to do my school reading on the train ride to work rather than read a page before falling asleep.

Last night, I noticed that I felt as though I was very hungry. This lasted up until about 10:00, when I told myself authoritatively that it was far too late to eat anything, so I would just need to deal with it. I shouldn't have been hungry. A lovely taco salad was prepared for me with organic ground chicken, spices that didn't come out of an envelope labeled "taco seasoning", and a mound of fresh vegetables. There were even some corn tortilla chips on the side.

I wonder what the correlation between wheat and my body's hunger signals? Perhaps it is a correlation with sugar instead? Though my meals are still not the absolute most healthy things in the world, the lack of wheat is also decreasing the amount of sugar I am consuming. It is possible my "hunger" is just my body wondering where those two ingredients have gone that I have fed them for so long.

Either way - I feel good. I am awake and alert and ready to face the day. I don't have to wait for my morning headache to disappear, I don't have to move carefully through my morning aches and pains, and I don't feel like there are little monsters living inside my sinuses. I really hope this positive trend continues and supports that I made the right diagnosis.

Day 1 Gluten Free: Food and Symptoms

Yesterday was my first gluten free day and there were some interesting things to note. In terms of food, I learned that brown rice wraps taste great, but really need to be heated before trying to eat them. They have the consistency of corn tortillas but taste much better!

I was thrilled to find that last night, I wasn't exhausted and feeling run down by dinner time. In fact, I had enough energy to stay up a little past my bedtime and watch more Monday Night Football. As someone who for weeks has been falling asleep on my feet all day long, this was an immediate stand out symptom!

This morning, I still awoke with a headache that I am nursing now with some breakfast and water. **I am avoiding Advil, Excedrin, etc because I want to find out the natural impact of my diet on my body and its pain levels rather than brush them aside temporarily with drugs.**

I am learning just how many of the foods I was eating on a regular basis contain wheat as one of the first 3-4 ingredients. If I am sensitive to it, it's no wonder I've been feeling so sick for so long. My partner and I went on a gluten free shopping spree the other day so I am well stocked with fresh and convenience foods that are wheat free (and many that are also dairy free). I was careful to get new things that I haven't had before rather than sticking with basic staples. If I'm going to do this, I want to make it fun too.

Looking forward to day 2 and seeing how this headache thing goes. Everything I've read says that if ridding yourself of gluten is going to have an impact, it will be noticed anywhere from 3-14 days with some of the changes taking longer to appear as your body works out the residual "toxin" in your body. Let's see how it goes!!

The Last Hurrah

If you've ever changed your diet or been on a diet, you are probably familiar with the concept of the the last hurrah. In fact, if you're a chronic yo-yo dieter, I would almost guarantee that you know it. This is when you find yourself thinking, "tomorrow everything changes, so I better have all the stuff I love today".

Just two days ago, I realized based on some research that a lot of my pain and increased symptoms of sick lately may be coming directly from gluten sensitivity. So, I do the smart thing - I decide to stop eating gluten for a while to see if it makes a difference. But before I can start that, I do the stupid thing... yesterday, I had cereal for breakfast, pizza for lunch, hot dogs (with buns) for dinner with a beer, and then Oreos for dessert. After each of these things, I progressed into feeling sicker and more tired.

This morning, I woke up with a splitting headache, stomach cramps, and exhaustion as though I haven't slept at all despite actually sleeping fairly well.

Having spent the past couple of weeks eating wheat products like they were going to disappear tomorrow - well, now they are. It's time I started my 30 day experiment in gluten free eating to see if it has any impact on me. Wish me luck world!

An update and an experiment

So, for about 4 weeks now, I've been largely without cigarettes. Over the span of those 4 weeks, I think I've had 3 cigarettes. The two packs I had left have been thrown away and even when I drove through the land of super cheap tobacco, I didn't buy any.

My eating habits are awful again because apparently, it's one or the other. The time in my day is being spent focusing on my school work, the increase in time I have with my son, keeping the house reasonably clean, and making sure my new partner doesn't feel ignored. This has destroyed the little bit of free time I may have had left for exercise if I want any relaxing down time during the day.

Still I am happy about the cigarettes and may have stumbled upon an interesting connection yesterday while writing a research paper. It is quite possible that I have a gluten sensitivity. I read an article on CNN.com about a young woman in her early 20s, new mom, working full time and able to run her life like a pro. One day, seemingly out of the blue, she started feeling sick. This is exactly what I went through - achy, joint pain, constantly fatigued, increasing headaches, increasing intestinal distress, moodiness. I, like this woman, saw different doctors numerous times only to be told there was nothing "wrong" with me and that perhaps I had mono.

More persistent than I, this young woman eventually found her way to someone who said she was likely gluten sensitive despite testing negative for Celiac disease and asked her to try eating a gluten free diet for a couple of weeks. Within one week, her symptoms had almost entirely faded and her energy levels had returned. My doctors still haven't given me an answer and I'm tired of constantly feeling drained of energy, cranky, and in some type of pain. Ignoring it and acting like everything's fine when I'm not even 30 and supposed to be much better off health wise is getting old fast.

And so, I think it may be time to run the most challenging side experiment ever. Much like Morgan Spurlock and his McDonald's experiment - only healthier - I'd like to see what gluten free eating for 30 days might do for me. Fortunately, my partner is extremely gluten intolerant and so eating this way at home will be easier. Unfortunately, all of my favorite foods (the ones that I constantly want to shove into my face) are all very high in wheat content.

I have noticed in the past that when I remove a lot of my current carbohydrate content from my diet that I feel a TON better. Most of my carb content is high wheat, high sugar foods. I notice also that potato and rice staying in my diet has not been an issue in the past, so logically, this even makes sense according to the way my body behaves, but it's time to really check it out. Let's see how this all goes!

Finding my own strength

In the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to see some amazing things in myself. I had no idea how much I have grown and changed in the past few years. I am emotionally intelligent, strong, independent, a good friend, a good mom, and a seriously amazing woman.

Despite having been through a lifetime of shit being piled on top of me, I have reclaimed it all and come out shining like a ray of sun. I spend a lot of time examining the negative and finding the positive that has come from them. Even though some sadness, lacking, or pain may linger from the things that I've been through, I make a conscious effort to honor that while focusing on the gratitude I have for the beautiful parts of me that came from that negativity.

In my relationships, I have come to a place where I determine priorities. I determine what I actually need. I determine what I can and cannot accept, and pain be damned, I stick to that. It's much like what F. taught me about being with him... no matter how much I love you, if this is not good for one of us, I will break both of our hearts to save us both. I respect that. I've seen too many people hurt themselves and each other in some sort of effort to save each other.

I have come to a position of strength where even though I don't think everything about me is perfect and wonderful, I *do* know that I am worth something. In fact, I have a whole lot of value. I make sure other people understand that value, and I am finally starting to treat myself in every way as though I completely and fully understand that value.

It has been amazing to me to discover over the past couple of weeks just how far I've come and just how strong and powerful I really am. I'll never be perfect. I'll always have some insecurities, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses, but even Superman had kryptonite. I have this intense sense of pride about the work I have put into myself and a sense of gratitude for the time and work others have put into me.

Whether they know it or not, whether it was positive then or not, all the people that have been a part of my life have helped shape it. Thank you - even if I hated you for what you did to me (even if I still do a little) - thank you. I am a powerful and beautiful woman and I treat myself as if I know that I am a force to be reckoned with because I *am*, and I owe some part of that process and that knowledge to all of you.

Tracking changes

It has been nearly two full weeks since I began the regimen set out by my doctor. I am feeling great about the changes in my eating so far. I have been trying to monitor side effects of the medication, however, and that has proven a little difficult.

Some of the most common side effects of the drug she has me on are headaches, dizziness, trouble sleeping... things that I already experience on some level. So, my headaches don't seem any more frequent and/or more painful than before the medication. My dizziness may be happening a little more often, but that is super hard to judge since with the vertigo, I go through stages of this anyway. I've had sleep interruptions for a long time now, so even that is hard to know if it is potentially drug related or not. Generally speaking, none of these symptoms seem to have gotten measureably worse than before I started this medication, but I am paying more attention to them now.

The one change I have noticed and need to keep close tabs on is that while I am eating and drinking less, I am smoking more. I was not really a heavy smoker in the first place. On my *worst* days, I would smoke 5-6 cigarettes in a day. Honestly, I am still not exceeding that, but I am smoking that many on most days now instead of just once in a while.

Considering that one of my other goals is to give up smoking before my 30th, I need to keep a very close eye on this. I don't want to move from one unhealthy habit to a potentially more unhealthy one. It has taken me until yesterday to really pinpoint this change, but I'm glad I caught it now rather than waiting for it to continue or worsen.

Anyway, I go back to the doctor tomorrow for my first follow up and I'm actually looking forward to it. I will get all of my bloodwork results, monitor my progress so far, and potentially make changes to custom tailor my plan to my own needs based on what the tests show. It is nice to still be excited about this 2 weeks later. More often than not, I give up on myself before I hit this point, but not this time!

Goals

I mentioned when I took up blogging here again that goals were to follow. Even when I knew nobody was really reading this blog, I was still hesitant to post goals here. I have two fears that stopped me from doing it: fear of being judged (for the things I want OR for the things I don't want) and fear of failure. If I tell someone what my goal is then I'm not the only one who knows I failed.

But to hell with that! I'm not doing this because of what other people thing, and I'm not making decisions that are right for my friends or that I want them to agree with. I am making decisions that are right for me and doing what I want to see done for my own life. I don't expect my friends to agree with everything I set out to do or with my methods. Besides, the purpose of this blog was originally for me to keep tabs on myself and be able to reflect back later. So, with that in mind, let's look at some goals shall we?

1. Get back into a size 12. (I don't believe this is a final goal, though it may be. It is my first "check point")

2. Give up the smoking habit for good.

3. Run a 5K. (This goal may take me right up until my 30th birthday, but damn it, I am *going* to get there!)

4. Get Dillon involved in an active lifestyle during his time with me and make it fun for him.

5. Put in the necessary work to get my emotional eating habit under control!

6. Complete at least 1/3 of my graduate program.

7. Be at, or deep into the process of finding, a new job.

8. Develop consistency in my bodily care - skin, nails, hair, etc as well as regular doctor/dentist visits - and stop treating these things as if they are unimportant. That's right, I matter.

9. Return to yoga classes or engage in consistent at home practice.

10. Create a financial plan that is flexible, but leaves room for actual savings. (no more spending everything I earn)

And there we have it for now. I have 1 year and 96 days to get as much of this done as possible, and I think that is perfectly realistic. Perhaps I will find that I get there before the end of that time, and then maybe I can add more goals. Either way, the most important thing is that now I have, in writing, the things I am working toward. So here we go!

Moments of pride

More often than not, my biggest moments of pride do not come from the numbers on the scale although I do *love* to see them drop. My biggest moments of pride usually stem from things like the emotional eating story from the other day. I had a similar moment of pride yesterday that I'd like to share.


It was our staff retreat and development day. This meant trekking an hour and a half or so up to our other location to spend all day in a small room with the entire division reviewing the year and planning for next year. Every time we do this, it means pastries and bagels for breakfast, cheesy saucy sandwiches with chips and soda for lunch, and then a mid afternoon snack of cookies and brownies (which were also provided with our lunch). I knew this was what I had to look forward to and simply refused to let it be a setback.


Instead, I searched online for someplace nearby that I could at least pick up a quick breakfast when I arrived. When that didn't work out, I didn't give up hope. I soon found a deli directly across the street that had not only healthy breakfast options, but a great looking salad bar, which meant I could go back for lunch too! I gave up free food and opted instead to spend my money on clean, healthy food.


The moment that I am most proud of though came to me through a brownie. The brownies that our dining services make are the one thing that I always love of theirs. They are really, *really* good and I'm a whore for brownies anyway. The girl sitting next to me had a big one. I walked to the table for coffee and there were a few broken off pieces. I thought to myself... "one of those little pieces wouldn't hurt..." but I knew better deep inside. I knew that the one little piece would make me crave more for the rest of the day and probably for several days after. So I took my coffee and walked away never to look back.

That night, I went out for dinner. I was a touch off my regulated eating (I had red meat which I've been asked to avoid for the first two weeks), but I ate a reasonable portion and had only a single drink. This has been the biggest adjustment for me. I am used to going out for dinner and/or drinks and having at least two, sometimes three in a night. Now, I am making a conscious effort not only to find lower calorie drink options, but also to limit myself to one of them in any given night.


While I am most proud of those personal victories, I will admit that I was also extremely pleased to see an approximately 8 pound loss on the scale this week. I know that losses like that will not continue after the first couple of weeks and that the majority is probably water weight, but at this point, pounds are pounds, and I'm glad to see them go. Results like that are very inspiring and motivate me to keep up the hard work that I've been putting in.


Looking forward to seeing the doctor again next Thursday to get updates on my bloodwork resutls and my new percentages!

Slow, conscious eating

One of the "rules" given to me by my new Doctor is "Eat slowly. Do not rush your meals. Enjoy your dining experience."

I am sadly guilty of not doing this often. I sit down to eat and before I know it, the food is gone. I've only really taken the time to appreciate the flavor, texture, smell, and appearance for the first bite or two - maybe. Either way, I make food disappear in record time most meals, especially if I'm dining alone. (For purely self-conscious reasons, I often slow down in front of others.)

That said, I am trying to really be conscious of this rule. It's not a new concept to me. The working theory is that if you eat slower, you will enjoy your food more, but also you will give your body time to recognize fading hunger signals. That is really the key here - it takes something like 20 minutes for your body to recognize that is no longer hungry and to relay that message to your brain. If you have shoveled a large quantity of food into your mouth quickly, your body has no time to process and that is how I end up feeling stuffed.

This week, I have found myself taking smaller bites, leaving more time in between bites, taking longer to finish a meal... and the results have been delightful! I am enjoying my food more, but also eating less of it. I can actually feel when I am approaching full and stop eating before I get stuffed. When I am being conscious of my eating, I am less likely to feel a compulsion to "clear my plate".

I also think the process of slowing down and being a conscious eater is part of what helped me get through the urge toward emotional eating the other day. If I stop to consider my body's hunger signals, I am more likely to recognize when I am eating because of something other than physical hunger.

I hope I am able to make this a life long habit. Even if tomorrow I went back to eating unhealthy food in larger quantities, I want to continue the process of be fully aware of what I am eating, why I am eating it, and how quickly I am eating it. It has been very good for me just in the few days I have engaged with the practice.

Emotional eating

I have been an emotional eater all my life. The right type of food can drown out whatever other emotion I am trying to avoid. In most cases, it is sadness or loneliness. Tonight, I think it is both. In a very stereotyped fashion, I have an empty feeling and I want to fill it with food. The problem is, the hole is not the shape of food, the hole is not in my stomach - and so food is not the answer.

What then? How do I ignore the coping mechanism I have known for over 2 decades? There are so many things I could do to distract both my brain and my hands. Providing myself with a list of things to do rather than eat when I feel down may be a starting point. When faced with negative feelings, my first instinct is to feed them. Without a prepared list of other ideas, I will have nowhere else to turn.

Now, the one potential issue is that when I feel this way, I am also usually lacking motivation to really *do* anything. I suppose that's why sitting and eating seems so good. On this list, I will give myself options that involve being busy, but also some idle options for those days when I just can't get moving.

When I am feeling emotional and am compelled to eat, before I give in to that urge I will try at least two of the following:

1) Go for a walk
2) Put on upbeat music and dance
3) Write about it
4) Play a video game
5) Call or write to a friend
6) Watch a funny movie or TV show
7) Clean for 15 minutes
8) Take a shower
9) Take a nap/go to bed early (sometimes you just gotta)
10) Visit sparkpeople.com
11) Read my written list of motivations
12) Drink a glass of water

More as I think of them, but for now, just making this list and focusing on other alternatives has gotten me through the overwhelming urge to feed my emotions. On to tomorrow with a moment of pride...

Skin care

I've never been the type of woman who used a lot of beauty products. I hardly ever wear makeup, I don't moisturize like I probably should, and I don't give much thought to the fact that I ought to use sunscreen to prevent sun damage.

I have always (since I was a pre-teen) had dark, puffy eyes that looked far older than they were. I've also always been prone to break outs. The pimples were the only thing I've ever consistently used a product for, however.

So imagine my surprise, when still only 28 years old, and I'm looking in one of those mirrors that magnifies, and I was so disturbed by the quality of the skin on my face. The color was uneven, my pores are far larger than they need to be, many of them are blocked and thus creating blemishes... there are actual signs of aging and damage and they were obvious enough to bother the girl who never cared. Then, of course, there are the dark eye circles that have plagued me since my youth and still really upset me.

Since this is starting to bother me for the first time, I also decided it might be a great time to try out a product line that is designed to help with all of these particular issues for the first time. So, here I am using a cleanser, moisturizer with sun screen, an anti-aging night creme, and two products that rejuvenate the area around the eyes... no joke, I've become that girl!

If they work well, however - even if they just even my skin tone and make my eyes look less ancient zombie like - it will be well worth it.

The results are in...

Some of the results at least. I learned a thing or two yesterday that were really disturbing. First and foremost, I learned that I am composed of 44.7% fat! Nearly half of my body is fat! I also learned (or was reminded) that I do not consume nearly enough water on average.

I had blood drawn and will get the full results from that during my next visit. If I had to guess, I would say my cholesterol is probably up right now and that I am vitamin deficeint in a least a few places.

I was given a plan which I reviewed with Dr. A during my consultation and now it is up to me to comply and return in 2 weeks for a follow up appointment.

This is the first time I am treating my obesity as a medical issue and working with a doctor to turn it around. If the doctor told me I had some life threatening illness that I could practically cure through behavioral modification alone, wouldn't I damn well learn to change whatever I was told to pretty quickly? Yep, I would, so I need to treat this just the same before I develop nasty health issues.

17 wasted months

I cannot believe I had the idea for this self-improvement project so long ago. I still think of it sometimes, but always have a reason to procrastinate... I still have well over a year to go, I'll deal with it again next month... The problem is each next month kept coming and going and seeing no real changes in my life.

Now, I am in the process of trying to make some of these changes again and it reminded me that this blog exists. With luck, the blog will be an inspirational tool for me to continue working toward the goals that I set. Since I first started this, my goals may have changed, but I'm certain many of them will be the same.

Two steps are taking place today. First, I am going to sit down and reevaluate my goals. Secondly, I am taking a concrete step toward achieving one of them. I have an appointment this evening with a non-surgical bariatric specialist. The doctor I am seeing does a full body composition analysis, the whole kit and kaboodle of blood work, takes a detailed health/weight/eating habits history, and then works with the patient side by side to create an individualized health and weight loss plan. They seem to take a very holistic approach rather than focusing all on one "right" way to do anything, and each plan is different based on the unique needs of each patient.

I will admit, I am nervous about this. I get so discouraged because I try so many things and fail at them. I often hear a little defeatist voice in my head telling me that I'm just always going to be fat so that I may as well deal with it and just enjoy eating. I know it's not true though - I can't control much, but I know I can control this. Despite my nerves, I am hopeful that the strategies put into place and the help of a medical professional with give me some of the additional support I need to get the job done this time.

New goals to follow soon... it's good to be back.