I mentioned when I took up blogging here again that goals were to follow. Even when I knew nobody was really reading this blog, I was still hesitant to post goals here. I have two fears that stopped me from doing it: fear of being judged (for the things I want OR for the things I don't want) and fear of failure. If I tell someone what my goal is then I'm not the only one who knows I failed.
But to hell with that! I'm not doing this because of what other people thing, and I'm not making decisions that are right for my friends or that I want them to agree with. I am making decisions that are right for me and doing what I want to see done for my own life. I don't expect my friends to agree with everything I set out to do or with my methods. Besides, the purpose of this blog was originally for me to keep tabs on myself and be able to reflect back later. So, with that in mind, let's look at some goals shall we?
1. Get back into a size 12. (I don't believe this is a final goal, though it may be. It is my first "check point")
2. Give up the smoking habit for good.
3. Run a 5K. (This goal may take me right up until my 30th birthday, but damn it, I am *going* to get there!)
4. Get Dillon involved in an active lifestyle during his time with me and make it fun for him.
5. Put in the necessary work to get my emotional eating habit under control!
6. Complete at least 1/3 of my graduate program.
7. Be at, or deep into the process of finding, a new job.
8. Develop consistency in my bodily care - skin, nails, hair, etc as well as regular doctor/dentist visits - and stop treating these things as if they are unimportant. That's right, I matter.
9. Return to yoga classes or engage in consistent at home practice.
10. Create a financial plan that is flexible, but leaves room for actual savings. (no more spending everything I earn)
And there we have it for now. I have 1 year and 96 days to get as much of this done as possible, and I think that is perfectly realistic. Perhaps I will find that I get there before the end of that time, and then maybe I can add more goals. Either way, the most important thing is that now I have, in writing, the things I am working toward. So here we go!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Moments of pride
More often than not, my biggest moments of pride do not come from the numbers on the scale although I do *love* to see them drop. My biggest moments of pride usually stem from things like the emotional eating story from the other day. I had a similar moment of pride yesterday that I'd like to share.
It was our staff retreat and development day. This meant trekking an hour and a half or so up to our other location to spend all day in a small room with the entire division reviewing the year and planning for next year. Every time we do this, it means pastries and bagels for breakfast, cheesy saucy sandwiches with chips and soda for lunch, and then a mid afternoon snack of cookies and brownies (which were also provided with our lunch). I knew this was what I had to look forward to and simply refused to let it be a setback.
Instead, I searched online for someplace nearby that I could at least pick up a quick breakfast when I arrived. When that didn't work out, I didn't give up hope. I soon found a deli directly across the street that had not only healthy breakfast options, but a great looking salad bar, which meant I could go back for lunch too! I gave up free food and opted instead to spend my money on clean, healthy food.
The moment that I am most proud of though came to me through a brownie. The brownies that our dining services make are the one thing that I always love of theirs. They are really, *really* good and I'm a whore for brownies anyway. The girl sitting next to me had a big one. I walked to the table for coffee and there were a few broken off pieces. I thought to myself... "one of those little pieces wouldn't hurt..." but I knew better deep inside. I knew that the one little piece would make me crave more for the rest of the day and probably for several days after. So I took my coffee and walked away never to look back.
That night, I went out for dinner. I was a touch off my regulated eating (I had red meat which I've been asked to avoid for the first two weeks), but I ate a reasonable portion and had only a single drink. This has been the biggest adjustment for me. I am used to going out for dinner and/or drinks and having at least two, sometimes three in a night. Now, I am making a conscious effort not only to find lower calorie drink options, but also to limit myself to one of them in any given night.
While I am most proud of those personal victories, I will admit that I was also extremely pleased to see an approximately 8 pound loss on the scale this week. I know that losses like that will not continue after the first couple of weeks and that the majority is probably water weight, but at this point, pounds are pounds, and I'm glad to see them go. Results like that are very inspiring and motivate me to keep up the hard work that I've been putting in.
Looking forward to seeing the doctor again next Thursday to get updates on my bloodwork resutls and my new percentages!
It was our staff retreat and development day. This meant trekking an hour and a half or so up to our other location to spend all day in a small room with the entire division reviewing the year and planning for next year. Every time we do this, it means pastries and bagels for breakfast, cheesy saucy sandwiches with chips and soda for lunch, and then a mid afternoon snack of cookies and brownies (which were also provided with our lunch). I knew this was what I had to look forward to and simply refused to let it be a setback.
Instead, I searched online for someplace nearby that I could at least pick up a quick breakfast when I arrived. When that didn't work out, I didn't give up hope. I soon found a deli directly across the street that had not only healthy breakfast options, but a great looking salad bar, which meant I could go back for lunch too! I gave up free food and opted instead to spend my money on clean, healthy food.
The moment that I am most proud of though came to me through a brownie. The brownies that our dining services make are the one thing that I always love of theirs. They are really, *really* good and I'm a whore for brownies anyway. The girl sitting next to me had a big one. I walked to the table for coffee and there were a few broken off pieces. I thought to myself... "one of those little pieces wouldn't hurt..." but I knew better deep inside. I knew that the one little piece would make me crave more for the rest of the day and probably for several days after. So I took my coffee and walked away never to look back.
That night, I went out for dinner. I was a touch off my regulated eating (I had red meat which I've been asked to avoid for the first two weeks), but I ate a reasonable portion and had only a single drink. This has been the biggest adjustment for me. I am used to going out for dinner and/or drinks and having at least two, sometimes three in a night. Now, I am making a conscious effort not only to find lower calorie drink options, but also to limit myself to one of them in any given night.
While I am most proud of those personal victories, I will admit that I was also extremely pleased to see an approximately 8 pound loss on the scale this week. I know that losses like that will not continue after the first couple of weeks and that the majority is probably water weight, but at this point, pounds are pounds, and I'm glad to see them go. Results like that are very inspiring and motivate me to keep up the hard work that I've been putting in.
Looking forward to seeing the doctor again next Thursday to get updates on my bloodwork resutls and my new percentages!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Slow, conscious eating
One of the "rules" given to me by my new Doctor is "Eat slowly. Do not rush your meals. Enjoy your dining experience."
I am sadly guilty of not doing this often. I sit down to eat and before I know it, the food is gone. I've only really taken the time to appreciate the flavor, texture, smell, and appearance for the first bite or two - maybe. Either way, I make food disappear in record time most meals, especially if I'm dining alone. (For purely self-conscious reasons, I often slow down in front of others.)
That said, I am trying to really be conscious of this rule. It's not a new concept to me. The working theory is that if you eat slower, you will enjoy your food more, but also you will give your body time to recognize fading hunger signals. That is really the key here - it takes something like 20 minutes for your body to recognize that is no longer hungry and to relay that message to your brain. If you have shoveled a large quantity of food into your mouth quickly, your body has no time to process and that is how I end up feeling stuffed.
This week, I have found myself taking smaller bites, leaving more time in between bites, taking longer to finish a meal... and the results have been delightful! I am enjoying my food more, but also eating less of it. I can actually feel when I am approaching full and stop eating before I get stuffed. When I am being conscious of my eating, I am less likely to feel a compulsion to "clear my plate".
I also think the process of slowing down and being a conscious eater is part of what helped me get through the urge toward emotional eating the other day. If I stop to consider my body's hunger signals, I am more likely to recognize when I am eating because of something other than physical hunger.
I hope I am able to make this a life long habit. Even if tomorrow I went back to eating unhealthy food in larger quantities, I want to continue the process of be fully aware of what I am eating, why I am eating it, and how quickly I am eating it. It has been very good for me just in the few days I have engaged with the practice.
I am sadly guilty of not doing this often. I sit down to eat and before I know it, the food is gone. I've only really taken the time to appreciate the flavor, texture, smell, and appearance for the first bite or two - maybe. Either way, I make food disappear in record time most meals, especially if I'm dining alone. (For purely self-conscious reasons, I often slow down in front of others.)
That said, I am trying to really be conscious of this rule. It's not a new concept to me. The working theory is that if you eat slower, you will enjoy your food more, but also you will give your body time to recognize fading hunger signals. That is really the key here - it takes something like 20 minutes for your body to recognize that is no longer hungry and to relay that message to your brain. If you have shoveled a large quantity of food into your mouth quickly, your body has no time to process and that is how I end up feeling stuffed.
This week, I have found myself taking smaller bites, leaving more time in between bites, taking longer to finish a meal... and the results have been delightful! I am enjoying my food more, but also eating less of it. I can actually feel when I am approaching full and stop eating before I get stuffed. When I am being conscious of my eating, I am less likely to feel a compulsion to "clear my plate".
I also think the process of slowing down and being a conscious eater is part of what helped me get through the urge toward emotional eating the other day. If I stop to consider my body's hunger signals, I am more likely to recognize when I am eating because of something other than physical hunger.
I hope I am able to make this a life long habit. Even if tomorrow I went back to eating unhealthy food in larger quantities, I want to continue the process of be fully aware of what I am eating, why I am eating it, and how quickly I am eating it. It has been very good for me just in the few days I have engaged with the practice.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Emotional eating
I have been an emotional eater all my life. The right type of food can drown out whatever other emotion I am trying to avoid. In most cases, it is sadness or loneliness. Tonight, I think it is both. In a very stereotyped fashion, I have an empty feeling and I want to fill it with food. The problem is, the hole is not the shape of food, the hole is not in my stomach - and so food is not the answer.
What then? How do I ignore the coping mechanism I have known for over 2 decades? There are so many things I could do to distract both my brain and my hands. Providing myself with a list of things to do rather than eat when I feel down may be a starting point. When faced with negative feelings, my first instinct is to feed them. Without a prepared list of other ideas, I will have nowhere else to turn.
Now, the one potential issue is that when I feel this way, I am also usually lacking motivation to really *do* anything. I suppose that's why sitting and eating seems so good. On this list, I will give myself options that involve being busy, but also some idle options for those days when I just can't get moving.
When I am feeling emotional and am compelled to eat, before I give in to that urge I will try at least two of the following:
1) Go for a walk
2) Put on upbeat music and dance
3) Write about it
4) Play a video game
5) Call or write to a friend
6) Watch a funny movie or TV show
7) Clean for 15 minutes
8) Take a shower
9) Take a nap/go to bed early (sometimes you just gotta)
10) Visit sparkpeople.com
11) Read my written list of motivations
12) Drink a glass of water
More as I think of them, but for now, just making this list and focusing on other alternatives has gotten me through the overwhelming urge to feed my emotions. On to tomorrow with a moment of pride...
What then? How do I ignore the coping mechanism I have known for over 2 decades? There are so many things I could do to distract both my brain and my hands. Providing myself with a list of things to do rather than eat when I feel down may be a starting point. When faced with negative feelings, my first instinct is to feed them. Without a prepared list of other ideas, I will have nowhere else to turn.
Now, the one potential issue is that when I feel this way, I am also usually lacking motivation to really *do* anything. I suppose that's why sitting and eating seems so good. On this list, I will give myself options that involve being busy, but also some idle options for those days when I just can't get moving.
When I am feeling emotional and am compelled to eat, before I give in to that urge I will try at least two of the following:
1) Go for a walk
2) Put on upbeat music and dance
3) Write about it
4) Play a video game
5) Call or write to a friend
6) Watch a funny movie or TV show
7) Clean for 15 minutes
8) Take a shower
9) Take a nap/go to bed early (sometimes you just gotta)
10) Visit sparkpeople.com
11) Read my written list of motivations
12) Drink a glass of water
More as I think of them, but for now, just making this list and focusing on other alternatives has gotten me through the overwhelming urge to feed my emotions. On to tomorrow with a moment of pride...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Skin care
I've never been the type of woman who used a lot of beauty products. I hardly ever wear makeup, I don't moisturize like I probably should, and I don't give much thought to the fact that I ought to use sunscreen to prevent sun damage.
I have always (since I was a pre-teen) had dark, puffy eyes that looked far older than they were. I've also always been prone to break outs. The pimples were the only thing I've ever consistently used a product for, however.
So imagine my surprise, when still only 28 years old, and I'm looking in one of those mirrors that magnifies, and I was so disturbed by the quality of the skin on my face. The color was uneven, my pores are far larger than they need to be, many of them are blocked and thus creating blemishes... there are actual signs of aging and damage and they were obvious enough to bother the girl who never cared. Then, of course, there are the dark eye circles that have plagued me since my youth and still really upset me.
Since this is starting to bother me for the first time, I also decided it might be a great time to try out a product line that is designed to help with all of these particular issues for the first time. So, here I am using a cleanser, moisturizer with sun screen, an anti-aging night creme, and two products that rejuvenate the area around the eyes... no joke, I've become that girl!
If they work well, however - even if they just even my skin tone and make my eyes look less ancient zombie like - it will be well worth it.
I have always (since I was a pre-teen) had dark, puffy eyes that looked far older than they were. I've also always been prone to break outs. The pimples were the only thing I've ever consistently used a product for, however.
So imagine my surprise, when still only 28 years old, and I'm looking in one of those mirrors that magnifies, and I was so disturbed by the quality of the skin on my face. The color was uneven, my pores are far larger than they need to be, many of them are blocked and thus creating blemishes... there are actual signs of aging and damage and they were obvious enough to bother the girl who never cared. Then, of course, there are the dark eye circles that have plagued me since my youth and still really upset me.
Since this is starting to bother me for the first time, I also decided it might be a great time to try out a product line that is designed to help with all of these particular issues for the first time. So, here I am using a cleanser, moisturizer with sun screen, an anti-aging night creme, and two products that rejuvenate the area around the eyes... no joke, I've become that girl!
If they work well, however - even if they just even my skin tone and make my eyes look less ancient zombie like - it will be well worth it.
Friday, July 22, 2011
The results are in...
Some of the results at least. I learned a thing or two yesterday that were really disturbing. First and foremost, I learned that I am composed of 44.7% fat! Nearly half of my body is fat! I also learned (or was reminded) that I do not consume nearly enough water on average.
I had blood drawn and will get the full results from that during my next visit. If I had to guess, I would say my cholesterol is probably up right now and that I am vitamin deficeint in a least a few places.
I was given a plan which I reviewed with Dr. A during my consultation and now it is up to me to comply and return in 2 weeks for a follow up appointment.
This is the first time I am treating my obesity as a medical issue and working with a doctor to turn it around. If the doctor told me I had some life threatening illness that I could practically cure through behavioral modification alone, wouldn't I damn well learn to change whatever I was told to pretty quickly? Yep, I would, so I need to treat this just the same before I develop nasty health issues.
I had blood drawn and will get the full results from that during my next visit. If I had to guess, I would say my cholesterol is probably up right now and that I am vitamin deficeint in a least a few places.
I was given a plan which I reviewed with Dr. A during my consultation and now it is up to me to comply and return in 2 weeks for a follow up appointment.
This is the first time I am treating my obesity as a medical issue and working with a doctor to turn it around. If the doctor told me I had some life threatening illness that I could practically cure through behavioral modification alone, wouldn't I damn well learn to change whatever I was told to pretty quickly? Yep, I would, so I need to treat this just the same before I develop nasty health issues.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
17 wasted months
I cannot believe I had the idea for this self-improvement project so long ago. I still think of it sometimes, but always have a reason to procrastinate... I still have well over a year to go, I'll deal with it again next month... The problem is each next month kept coming and going and seeing no real changes in my life.
Now, I am in the process of trying to make some of these changes again and it reminded me that this blog exists. With luck, the blog will be an inspirational tool for me to continue working toward the goals that I set. Since I first started this, my goals may have changed, but I'm certain many of them will be the same.
Two steps are taking place today. First, I am going to sit down and reevaluate my goals. Secondly, I am taking a concrete step toward achieving one of them. I have an appointment this evening with a non-surgical bariatric specialist. The doctor I am seeing does a full body composition analysis, the whole kit and kaboodle of blood work, takes a detailed health/weight/eating habits history, and then works with the patient side by side to create an individualized health and weight loss plan. They seem to take a very holistic approach rather than focusing all on one "right" way to do anything, and each plan is different based on the unique needs of each patient.
I will admit, I am nervous about this. I get so discouraged because I try so many things and fail at them. I often hear a little defeatist voice in my head telling me that I'm just always going to be fat so that I may as well deal with it and just enjoy eating. I know it's not true though - I can't control much, but I know I can control this. Despite my nerves, I am hopeful that the strategies put into place and the help of a medical professional with give me some of the additional support I need to get the job done this time.
New goals to follow soon... it's good to be back.
Now, I am in the process of trying to make some of these changes again and it reminded me that this blog exists. With luck, the blog will be an inspirational tool for me to continue working toward the goals that I set. Since I first started this, my goals may have changed, but I'm certain many of them will be the same.
Two steps are taking place today. First, I am going to sit down and reevaluate my goals. Secondly, I am taking a concrete step toward achieving one of them. I have an appointment this evening with a non-surgical bariatric specialist. The doctor I am seeing does a full body composition analysis, the whole kit and kaboodle of blood work, takes a detailed health/weight/eating habits history, and then works with the patient side by side to create an individualized health and weight loss plan. They seem to take a very holistic approach rather than focusing all on one "right" way to do anything, and each plan is different based on the unique needs of each patient.
I will admit, I am nervous about this. I get so discouraged because I try so many things and fail at them. I often hear a little defeatist voice in my head telling me that I'm just always going to be fat so that I may as well deal with it and just enjoy eating. I know it's not true though - I can't control much, but I know I can control this. Despite my nerves, I am hopeful that the strategies put into place and the help of a medical professional with give me some of the additional support I need to get the job done this time.
New goals to follow soon... it's good to be back.
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